EMOTIONAL PERMANENCE, ABANDONMENT AND BOUNDARIES - How they are connected

I recently found myself in over my head during a short-lived but intense romance with a polyamorous man. Love is complicated enough, but the thought of sharing a partner with others was something I wasn’t entirely comfortable with—yet I was willing to explore. I enjoyed the freedom and experimentation that came with being open, and honestly, it was one of the happiest connections of my life. However, when we inevitably ended up on different parts of the planet, I was left with a head full of idle thoughts and the understanding that he had deep, ongoing intimate connections with multiple people around the world.

Instead of immediately chastising what society deems as immoral, I decided to explore the parts of me that felt triggered and work on understanding my boundaries around love. What I realized was that I struggle with emotional permanence, which makes it difficult for me to differentiate attachment from love, maintain relational clarity, and cultivate emotional maturity. This experience became a valuable learning opportunity, and in the end, I gained a sweet friend rather than a lost love. I share this blog with you so that you, too, can learn about yourself and recognize whether you get stuck in patterns of emotional permanence.

Have you ever felt like someone disappears emotionally the moment they leave the room? Or struggled with setting boundaries because of a deep fear of rejection? These experiences may stem from issues with emotional permanence, often shaped by past abandonment.

What Is Emotional Permanence?

Emotional permanence is the ability to trust that someone's love, care, and presence remain constant, even when they are not physically with us. It’s a concept similar to object permanence—the understanding that objects still exist even when we can't see them—but applied to emotions and relationships.

Signs of Struggling with Emotional Permanence:

• Feeling abandoned when someone doesn’t immediately respond to a message

• Doubting relationships when you're not receiving constant reassurance

• Overanalyzing interactions for signs of rejection

• Feeling unsafe or alone when not in direct contact with loved ones

How Abandonment Affects the Nervous System

Experiencing abandonment—whether physical (e.g., a parent leaving) or emotional (e.g., caregivers being inconsistent or neglectful)—can disregulate the nervous system, leaving lasting imprints on how we relate to others.

When abandonment wounds run deep, your nervous system stays on high alert, constantly scanning for signs of rejection or disconnection. This can show up as anxiety, muscle tension, exhaustion, or even digestive issues.

Nervous System Responses to Abandonment:

• Fight Response: Hyper-independence, pushing people away before they can leave

• Flight Response: Avoidance of deep emotional connections

• Freeze Response: Feeling emotionally numb, dissociating

• Fawn Response: People-pleasing, over-giving to keep people close

These responses often lead to somatic symptoms, such as:

• Chronic muscle tension, especially in the chest and stomach

• Shallow breathing or breath-holding

• Digestive issues (e.g., IBS, nausea)

• Fatigue and exhaustion from emotional hypervigilance

How Abandonment Shapes Boundaries and Emotional Maturity

Without emotional permanence, we may struggle with setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Fear of abandonment can lead to weak boundaries (allowing too much) or rigid boundaries (pushing people away to avoid potential pain).

Signs That Abandonment is Impacting Your Boundaries:

• Saying yes when you want to say no

• Feeling guilty for asserting your needs

• Over-explaining or justifying your boundaries

• Sabotaging relationships out of fear of rejection

  
  

Healthy boundaries require emotional maturity, which involves recognizing that relationships can withstand space, disagreement, and individuality.

You are not alone. The abandonment wound is incredibly common and can show up in romance, family, and friendships. If you find yourself feeling rejected, anxious, or insecure in relationships, know that it’s not a personal failing—it’s a pattern that can be healed. One important step? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Nurture multiple sources of support and reach out to trusted friends when you feel hurt. You deserve connection, stability, and love

Nurturing a Relationship with Yourself

Before we can create secure relationships with others, we must first build trust and respect within ourselves. Many who struggle with emotional permanence and boundaries were never taught how to feel safe in their own presence. Learning self-trust and self-respect is essential in breaking these patterns.

Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship with Yourself:

• Practice self-compassion: Speak to yourself the way you would a close friend. Remind yourself that healing is a journey, not a destination.

• Develop inner security: Instead of seeking external validation, learn to validate your own feelings and experiences.

• Set and honor your own boundaries: Show yourself that your needs matter by respecting your limits and taking time for self-care.

• Reconnect with your body: Through somatic practices like yoga, breathwork, or grounding exercises, learn to feel safe in your own skin.
  

Healing from a foundation of insecurity takes time, but by consistently showing up for yourself, you lay the groundwork for healthier, more fulfilling relationships with others.

Struggling with emotional permanence doesn’t mean you’re falling short—it simply means this is the lens through which you’ve learned to see the world

Healing Emotional Permanence and Strengthening Boundaries

Healing takes time, but here are some steps to start building emotional resilience and secure connections:

1. Regulate Your Nervous System

• Breathwork: Try diaphragmatic breathing to calm anxiety

• Somatic movement: Shake, stretch, or practice gentle yoga to release stored tension

• Co Regulation: Find people that you feel emotionally safe with outside of your triggered scenario. Be honest and let them support you.
  

2. Rewire Your Emotional Patterns

• Remind yourself: Love does not disappear when someone is absent.

• Journal about times when people returned to you after space

• Challenge anxious thoughts with affirmations like, I am safe even when alone.
  

3. Strengthen Your Boundaries

• Pause before responding: Give yourself a moment to check in before agreeing to something

• Use "I" statements: Instead of "You never include me," try "I feel left out when I’m not invited."

• Practice small boundary-setting moments: This builds confidence for bigger situations
  

4. Build Secure Relationships

• Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries

• Communicate openly about your fears with trusted individuals

• Seek therapy or somatic coaching to reprocess past abandonment wounds

Healing emotional permanence, abandonment wounds, and boundary struggles is a journey, but every step you take strengthens your ability to create healthy, fulfilling relationships—both with yourself and others.

What makes my approach different? I don’t teach from a textbook—I teach from experience. I’ve walked this path, navigated the challenges, and continue to grow alongside you. This means our work together is real, human, and always evolving.

If you resonate with these struggles and want to develop deeper self-trust, emotional security, and strong boundaries, my coaching programs are designed to guide you through this transformation. Through somatic healing, nervous system regulation, and personalized support, I help you move from fear and insecurity to confidence and self-trust. If you're ready to step into a more empowered version of yourself, I invite you to work with me. Let's start your healing journey together!

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